Jan 07

My Tether: A Violent End

Think of the most peaceful, temperate person you’ve ever heard of. Ghandi, Santa Claus, Master Yoda, anyone like that will do. Now, I want you to think what would happen if you repeatedly poked that person in the eye whilst telling them how good they were at being poked in the eye. It wouldn’t be long before that person flipped out and laid the smackdown on you. Ghandi would remove a sandal and lodge it in your sinus via the navel, Santa would pull an AK-47 from his sack and rain molten death from its angry maw, and Master Yoda would cause every atom in your entire body to explode gloriously into a fountain of goo with nothing more than a cough.

You get my point. Everyone has their limits. I’m not entirely sure whether I’ve passed mine or not… I’m probably too tired to know…

Imagine a happy, jovial person who signs up to work at a supermarket stacking shelves: this person is given a general idea of the whole shelf-stacking thing and sent on their merry way. How likely is it that in a few months’ time that shelf-stacker would be sent around the world building shelves, installing the shelves into supermarkets, stacking the shelves, telling others how to do it, having to go there again when the people he taught can’t stack shelves properly, write monthly reports on how many people can’t stack shelves; and all at the same time, still stack the shelves at his original supermarket? That happy, jovial person would soon find himself in a warm bath, open-wristed, with Kenny G playing on a stereo.

So, we come now to my current situation, peering over the precipice of my own limits. I’ve decided I’m going to hang around just long enough to see for sure the way various cookies are going to crumble; but if they’re coconut, and they go all spongy because someone didn’t seal the bag properly, or if there’s a plate of mixed cookies and someone leaves the shit ones and you think “oh FFS, surely someone prefers those ones, they haven’t even left any bloody custard creams!”; I’m resolved that a change is necessary.

P.S. I’ll award super-special points to the person who can come up with the most creative weapon to go postal with.

About the author

Mr Llamatastic


  1. Hank

    The current economy has resulted in many of us being low on money, so where I would normally suggest some kind of complex way of luring people into a passage with thousands of cute furry animals and mowing then down as they entered with a suppressed (?) high cal. MG, no one can afford thousands of cute furry animals nor a suppressed high cal. MG.

    I suggest using a Midget. Grabbed by the ankles or forearms, a midget can be used as a conventional melee weapon. Where would you get a midget I hear you ask? well that’s simple. In the current economy circus’ are booming. It is a cheap source of travelling entertainment, and most have midgets. Meet one of them after a show and offer him a job that he must accept with out knowing the job description (melee weapon). Offer him much higher than the minimum wage and he will likely accept. Do not worry, although over time this would equate to a lot of money, the midget will probably only last a couple of swings. Dress him in a suit with attached spiky objects (knives, broken crockery, an unassembled Hellcannon, etc) and begin the slaughter.

    You may have noticed a few flaws in my plan, such as how does one survive a massacre long whilst wielding a midget? and surly eventually the midgets ankles/forearms would break before long? These are but mere factors, you would of course make a suit of armour out of the midgets friends. Repeat the process of employing the midget as above with enough midgets to conceal your entire surface area. Again they are likely to not last long if a armed response unit is called. And would the midgets legs/arms break? Well it depends how hard you swing. However when he does you are likely to have killed a sizeable amount of people, including a couple of armed response units. Rearm yourself with their weapons/them if they are midgets and continue your rampage.

    Bam, going postal on a low budget.

    1. Mr Llamatastic

      I wholeheartedly endorse this comment and applaud its message of unity, equality and understanding.

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